Finding Self Acceptance

Would you rather be someone else?

If you’re not feeling happy with who you are right now, and wish you weren’t ‘you’ but someone else with better qualities, I get it!  I’ve been there myself. Life can be a real struggle, a disappointment and seem to be so unfair at times when we feel we are lacking in worth.

I’m pretty certain almost everyone has wished they were someone else at least one time in their life; someone prettier, richer, cleverer or cooler. But this desire, if unresolved, has the potential to blight our lives.

We know that social media has had a huge negative impact on how young people perceive and judge themselves. Holding such high standards of perfection that for many are impossible to attain, leads to insecure feelings, low self esteem and mental distress. This is an obvious example, but there are many more subtle ways our self worth is impacted and our lives diminished.

At a time where people are constantly trying to change themselves to feel better about themselves, this blog explores whether there is a healthier way to look at change, which starts with the opposite: self acceptance.

The first time

Can you remember the first time when you felt that you didn’t want to be you?

Was it when you were one of the last kids to be picked for a team?

Perhaps it was when you noticed how you were in some way different to everyone else?

When other people were mean to you, telling you how you’d failed in some way?

In my case as a kid I saw myself on a video playback (in view of other parents at an open evening) being totally uncool and awkward, seconds after I thought I had done a great job. What an awakening that was 🙁 It was a huge knock to my self-confidence and I felt ‘less than’ and lost my enthusiasm.

What does it feel like?

If you can’t remember what the event was, you can still probably remember what it feels like when you don’t feel okay or safe to be you;

Does some of this feel familiar? But remember these are feelings, and not facts.

These are miserable feelings to have to endure and that means we are going to try to avoid them as much as we can from now on and that requires us to adapt ourselves.

Adapting

Realistically, we can’t change everything about ourselves that we’re ashamed of. For example, aspects of our bodies, age, genetic health, heritage, disability, neuro-divergence are non-negotiable.

You may have been able to use these awful feelings as a catalyst to change some aspects of yourself, for example by learning new skills and developing strengths so that you would feel more acceptable.

But if a perceived shortfall isn’t possible to fix, we then have to adapt the way we deal with these intense feelings which arise, and those adaptions may be healthy or unhealthy for us. Here are some examples:

To cope with these distressing feelings about your own perceived lack of worth you might have become withdrawn and kept your life small and stagnant in an effort to feel safe and not be judged.

Some people feel the need to put on the mask of a false personality that is not really who they are, as protection to get by and it can be mentally and physically exhausting to keep this up all the time.

Another way of ‘coping’ could be using substances or certain behaviours to make you feel more like the person you want to be e.g. alcohol to make you feel relaxed and confident. Or using substances or behaviours to numb out or distract from emotional pain e.g. by overworking, or spending large amounts of time online. But again, this strategy comes at a cost to your long-term wellbeing and doesn’t heal the fundamental cause. Unless we can process our feelings, pain usually finds a way of working out of us in unintended ways.

How have you adapted?

A waste of you.

Although some change may be possible, can we really change who we fundamentally are in our essence? Are we just plastering over the cracks? And is it possible to be be truly happy or fulfilled if we’re not being authentic to our essence, but ‘manufactured’ to an artificial design which superficially looks okay but is creaking underneath?

Surely each person has something naturally unique to bring to the world?

If you’re focused on wanting to be like someone else, the true self becomes hidden and stunted by all the “I wish I were’s” and “If only I could’s” thinking.

Could the desire to be like others be a waste of your uniqueness and energy that would make the world a richer place? Not allowing your unique self to flourish by trying to be someone else could literally be a waste of your life.

Surely accepting yourself as you are, and embracing your natural growth tendencies could feel more like a life well lived on your own terms, and preferable to contorting yourself to conform with others’ expectations or focusing on what you don’t have in an endless rumination loop?

Acceptance

Now let’s throw this famous and mysterious Carl Rogers quote into the mix:

“THE CURIOUS PARADOX IS THAT WHEN I ACCEPT MYSELF JUST AS I AM, THEN I CHANGE.”

Carl Rogers, a very influential psychotherapist, found in his personal experience and work that self-acceptance is a magical ingredient which leads to contentment and healthy personal development.  He believed that change is a natural process which starts when we accept all parts of ourselves both good and bad, and the subsequent change is to move towards what we are meant to be, our fully-functioning best authentic selves. The healthy change is to become more fully like ourself rather than someone else.

Finding your own potential: three ideas

Below I’ve suggested three ideas that may help you on your self-acceptance journey. Which one will you try first?

1. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, there is beauty and potential within you waiting to be uncovered if you’ll let it. Acceptance is about acknowledging the good as well as the bad. Sometimes it can be hard to see the good as we are wired to see the negatives more. Be actively curious about who you are; explore your likes and dislikes, parts of your identity, your life experiences that make you unique. To accept yourself you need to know yourself.
2. Start taking your focus off other people’s standards and accomplishments, and back onto supporting yourself, as comparing yourself to others only dims the light that you carry inside and can lead to despair.
3. Another step promoting self acceptance is to let go of the harsh judgments and critical thoughts that weigh you down. It’s okay to be gentle with yourself. Imagine speaking to a dear friend who is struggling. What would you say to them? How would you comfort them and encourage them? Now, take that same compassion and turn it inward. You deserve it just as much!

Remember very small changes in your approach add up over time to significant change. Change is essential if you aren’t happy with your life as it is. Your path toward self-acceptance is not a sprint; it’s a long-distance journey. It’s okay to take one step at a time, to move slowly, and to stumble along the way. Healing and growth are processes, not a final destination.

Getting help

On this journey of self-acceptance, it can be beneficial to seek help along the way; whether from a therapist, a friend, or another source of support. Making connections with like-minded people will further encourage your sense of self to develop and give you more confidence. Healing is found in supportive relationships. We can’t just think ourselves better, we need to practice it too in relationships.

When you’re ‘yourself’ you don’t have to use your precious energy to maintain your disguise. Life becomes lighter and easier as your guard comes down. Your body physiology shifts from high alert and rigidity, to a state of feeling grounded and more contented. With more capacity to focus on what’s important. Is that something you’d like for yourself?

If you’re struggling with your sense of self, therapy can be helpful in discovering more about who you are, developing your self-compassion and caring for yourself.  It’s a healing relationship. You can contact me to find out how we might work together through therapy in Bradford on Avon, or online.. I offer a free half hour introduction call to see how we’re suited. I’d love to hear from you.

One thing to take with you today:

If you were just to take away one thing today, I’d like to share this with you and maybe plant a seed in your mind: that you are enough, exactly as you are. You don’t need to be anyone else. The world may not always understand or appreciate your unique qualities, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable. You are valuable. Your true self is worth knowing, worth caring for, and worth loving.

It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s certainly okay to make mistakes (see my blog on a personal bill of rights.) Just know that who you are in this moment, is worthy of compassion, respect, and love.